Block I - What Went Wrong?

Trivia Question - What is this: POW! BOOM SMASH!!! BAM BASH!!

Wrong Answer#1: Graphics from 1960's Batman shows

Wrong Answer #2: Outlaw hitters on the Road.

Right Answer #1: Opposing batters on Outlaw's Block I road trip.

Right Answer #2: Sounds that reporters heard outside Outlaw's meeting between owners and management after Outlaw's disastrous 9-17 Block I road trip. The meeting was so contentious and loud that concerned reporters called 911 after hearing screaming, caterwauling, and smashing hotel room furniture that would do a Grand Funk Railroad drunken road party proud.

The noise quited, police left, and a disheveled, and possibly drunken-in-sorrows owner Hildebrant emerged to a throng of incessantly-questioning reporters. "Why are we mired below .500 after breaking the bank on big-buck salaries for all of our reputed "stars". I'll tell you why! These lazy, (expletive-deleted), ^&*%$$, pampered jerk-offs are resting on their laurels and partying hard on the road while the team and fans suffer. I certainly didn't pay this big money to these clowns for a .346 road winning percentage."

Outlaw's batters managed a measly .245 batting average on the road, compared to a .278 average at home. The sluggers Road Hall of Shame includes Jason Bay (.181), Alfonso Soriano (.230), Ryan Theriot (.266), Ryan Ludwick (.194), Manny "all-natural" Ramirez (.237), and Dustin Pedroia (.286).

But the offense's road melt-down pales in comparison to the way our big-name starters were blasted on the road. The pitching staff that managed a respectable 3.36 ERA at home was pounded for a 5.08 ERA on the road. Outlaw's Starter Road Hall of Shame features Tim Hudson (5.45), Rich Harden (5.56), Ryan Dempster (6.04), and Scott Kazmir (6.00).

"What are we shoveling money at these overpaid babies for?" screamed owner Hildebrant to the astounded hacks. "Why are we putting them up in Sheraton suites on the road when we are getting Motel-8 performances in return? From now on, all road accomodations will be in Holiday Inn Express hotels until our road record is over .500. Maybe we'll get a little smarter!"

And what about teams asking the sub-.500 Wales about availaibilty of key players? Well, lets just paraphrase some great Americans who knew what to do when the going got tough:

Hero: "Hey! What's this lying around ? We just gonna take this?"
Slacker: "War's over man. Jersey just dropped the big one."
Hero: "What? Over? Did you say it's over? Nothing's over till we decide it is! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no! And it ain't over now! When the going gets tough . . . . . ."
Slackers: no response
Hero: "The tough get going. Who's with me? Lets go! . . ."
Slackers: no response
Hero: "What the (expletive deleted) happened to the Outlaw I used to know. Where's the spirit? Where's the guts? Harden, hey, whaddya say? Ramirez, you madman! Are you with me? Broxton, up big fella! Lets go go go! Everyone - follow me!"
Slackers: no response
Hero: "You (expletive deleted)! This could be the greatest night of our lives and you're gonna let it be the worst." The hero of Outlaw made his voice high and tremulous. "Oh, we're afraid to go with you hero. We could get in trouble."
Hero: "Well you can just kiss my a** from now on! Not me. I'm not taking this. Jersey? They're dead men. Honolulu? Dead! Neidermeyer....?"
moment of silence . . .
Hero #2: "Dead! He's right. Psychotic, but absolutely right. We've got to take these bastards."
Hero #2: "Now we could fight them with conventional weapons, but that could take years and millions of lives. No, in this case, I think we have to go all out. This situation absolutely requires a really futile, stupid gesture on somebody's part."
Owner Hildebrant: "And we're just the guys to do it!"