Grundy County benched its first draft pick for sucking on a pop-cycle during spring training. Owner Jack Howard call a quick team meeting and demanded that recently re-acquired Zack Greinke sit as judge on a an impromptu Kangroo Court to hear Miguel Sano’s defense.
Sano could not believe his ears. “What I do,” he said. His defense attorney, fellow 1st round pick Kyle Schwarber called for a reading of the charges.
Owner Howard enlisted David Price as prosecuting attorney and Price stated, “You, Mr. Sano, were caught sucking. The Griz took a vow not to suck this season and as such we demand you to stop sucking immediately.”
The first and only witness, (called), Manny Machado, produced a pop cycle stick with Sano’s DNA on it. Machado proclaimed he found the pop-cycle stick behind the batting cage immediately before Mr. Sano took his hacks. Machado, said he saw Mr. Sano suck on the pop-cycle and then gobble up the pop-cycle as he was called into the batting cage.
Sano stated that he needed the sticky-sugary substance on his hands to get a better grip on the bat.
Judge Greinke told Sano that he should try to find a more traditional sticky substance as a grip builder. Greinke offered Phil Neikro’s phone number, stating that Mr. Niekro is an expert on acceptable substance used during ballgames.
The court room was silent as the clock ticked forward. Judge Greinke said “this court finds you guilty – Mr. Sano.” Your penalty is that this court prohibits you from starting any game in Block I of the 2016 NASBL season.