Sioux / Cannibal Trade Falls Through on Tacky Fashion Issue

The St Albans Onion, 17 July 2008

In the wee hours of Wednesday morning, Lake Champlain Cannibals owner / GM Steve Beard (61-40, 3rd best record in the league and next to last in his division), pondering his 2nd straight season of outstanding team performance with no post-season prospects to show for it, was struck with a Newtonian apple.

Immediately he got on the metaphorical horn to in-state GM Justin Rabidoux of the Vermont Fighting Sioux, and in mere minutes the Trade of the Century was sealed:

To VFS:
All of LCC's 2009 Rookie / FA draft picks, plus placement in the TG East

To LCC:
Placement in the LF Central

Said GM Beard, "Actually, it's not that totally original as far as ideas go. I was inspired by the old 'Ricky Williams for the Saints entire draft' trade that Iron Mike Ditka famously once made."

"But the twist in this deal is that there weren't any actual players involved, just placement in a certain division. See, the Cannibals keep getting stuck behind HHA and SPR in our division. Kind of like when you're at the movie theater, just settling in to watch the new Batman flick, and George freaking Muresan sits down right in front of you."

"So at that point, you have two choices. You can try to fight George Muresan, or you can tell the little kid next to you that you'll swap him your whole almost-untouched garbage bucket full of popcorn with real butter flavoring, Plus your 3/4 full Vat-o-Dr Pepper with game-chewed straw for his seat."

"Then if he does it, BANG! You've got smoooooooth sailing, and while the kid doesn't get to see Batman at all until it comes out on DVD, he does at least end up coked to the gills on caffeine and sugar, and has a blast hucking popcorn around at everybody for a couple of hours."

"It's a win-win."


However, just when this idyllic dream-trade seemed to be a done deal, things took an unexpected and mildly disturbing turn when members of the Sioux PR team demanded a Ricky and Iron Mike-like photoshoot for the cover of ESPN the Magazine (you know, the one with Ricky in a wedding dress and Ditka in a tux?)

When GM Beard gave the wrong answer to a fashion question posed by Rabidoux (the always-tricky "does this dress make my @ss look fat?" non-request for information), a spirited exchange of Yo Momma jokes broke out.

When it became clear that Rabidoux's 7th and 8th inning Yo Momma's ("Yo Momma's so fat, when she fell down and broke her leg gravy ran out," and "Yo Momma's so fat, when she hauls @ss she needs to take 6 trips") were clearly about ready to hand the lead to the feared Yo Momma closer, Beard capitulated.

But the damage was done, and the deal was off.



This has been a special report by the St Albans Onion.