THE 2009 OUTLAW OUTFIELD
pre-game fielding derby to determine starting left-fielder
The rumored departure of Willy Taveras combined with the emergence of Ryan Ludwick and reemergence of Jason Bay as sluggers has the Outlaw brass pondering questions of outfield defense. Outlaw pitchers have been responding to press inquires about the outfield defense behind them by alternating bouts of prayer and heavy drinking.
Outlaw's pre-draft outfield consists of three alleged left-fielders and one right-fielder. The Outlaw Tattler caught up with outfield coach Larry Fine for a quick interview. When asked who would anchor the critical center-field position, coach Fine bluntly responded that Ryan Ludwick was the only outfielder on the team with any inkling of natural defensive ability so he'll be asked to patrol center. Jason Bay, finally healthy after a year of leg injuries, regained his LF-3 and is the only remaining outfielder with any hope of manning right, despite his weak arm.
When asked which of Alfonso Soriano or Manny Ramirez would man left-field and which would DH, Fine mumbled something about GM Hildebrant shamelessly stealing other GM's ideas. Seems that Outlaw plans on holding pre-game fielding derbys. Coach Fine will hit ten flyballs each to Ramirez and Soriano, and the fielder who catches the most will start that day in left-field with the loser riding the pine as DH. In the event neither player catches any of the ten balls, the left field starter will be determined by a sudden death overtime no matter how long it takes one of the players to catch a flyball.
When GM Hildebrant was asked how Ramirez might react to such a contest, he said, "Manny's such a level-headed guy and team player, we think he'll enjoy every minute of it. We plan on turning this into a real celebration and spectator event. We'll double whiskey and tequila vendors in the left-field stands during the derby and hold a half-price happy hour special. Friday home pre-game derbys will be very special with Uma Thuman giving $100 body shots in the left-field bleachers under tight Jumbotron surveillance. We expect it'll be a real crowd pleaser and it will be a nice compliment to nickel-beer nights. That's what it's all about - providing a great customer experience."
Outlaw's pre-draft outfield consists of three alleged left-fielders and one right-fielder. The Outlaw Tattler caught up with outfield coach Larry Fine for a quick interview. When asked who would anchor the critical center-field position, coach Fine bluntly responded that Ryan Ludwick was the only outfielder on the team with any inkling of natural defensive ability so he'll be asked to patrol center. Jason Bay, finally healthy after a year of leg injuries, regained his LF-3 and is the only remaining outfielder with any hope of manning right, despite his weak arm.
When asked which of Alfonso Soriano or Manny Ramirez would man left-field and which would DH, Fine mumbled something about GM Hildebrant shamelessly stealing other GM's ideas. Seems that Outlaw plans on holding pre-game fielding derbys. Coach Fine will hit ten flyballs each to Ramirez and Soriano, and the fielder who catches the most will start that day in left-field with the loser riding the pine as DH. In the event neither player catches any of the ten balls, the left field starter will be determined by a sudden death overtime no matter how long it takes one of the players to catch a flyball.
When GM Hildebrant was asked how Ramirez might react to such a contest, he said, "Manny's such a level-headed guy and team player, we think he'll enjoy every minute of it. We plan on turning this into a real celebration and spectator event. We'll double whiskey and tequila vendors in the left-field stands during the derby and hold a half-price happy hour special. Friday home pre-game derbys will be very special with Uma Thuman giving $100 body shots in the left-field bleachers under tight Jumbotron surveillance. We expect it'll be a real crowd pleaser and it will be a nice compliment to nickel-beer nights. That's what it's all about - providing a great customer experience."
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