Cannibals Acquire Umpteenth Aging, Left-Handed DH Type

St Albans Messenger, 11 January 2009


In a move that surprised, well, pretty much no one, the Lake Champlain Cannibals acquired yet another left-handed DH type hitter.

Said LCC GM Steve Beard, "The acquisition of Jason Giambi from the Surf gives our lineup the 4th aging left-handed DH it had up until now been lacking. With only David Ortiz (.360/56/159), Jim Thome (.309/45/123) and former Knight Hideki Matsui (.235/21/66) in the lineup, we felt our streak of 1000-run offensive seasons could be in jeopardy."

"So as is always the case with Jeopardy, our answer came in the form of a question. Now, if that question had been 'Who is Jason Giambi,' the answer to the answer that was phrased as a question would've been this:"

"Jason Giambi is a career .295 NASBL hitter with 292 career homeruns. For the past 4 seasons he has labored in the expansive Miami Field, one of the toughest hitting environments in all of baseball. Despite this impediment, Giambi has in recent seasons posted marks of 28 and 29 homeruns for the Surf. While his offensive performance last season was way down (.264/5/24 in 182 ab's), we feel that the dropoff was more due to a lack of playing time than to a reduction in his steroid dosages......errr.... I mean a reduction in his skills."

"Now on the other hand, if the Jeopardy answer in the form of a question is 'How on earth are all those guys going to get their ab's,' then the answer to that answer would be this:"

"Matsui will start in left field, replacing last offseason's productive veteran LF pickup, Kenny Lofton (.326/8/36). Although Lofton did a good job defensively (12 assists, 4 errors) and as a leadoff hitter (.381 OBP, 91 runs scored), he really didn't hit that many homeruns. And despite the fact our team led the league in runs scored for the 2nd consecutive season, a survey of our fan base of largely undereducated middle-aged former head-bangers, most of whom are still wearing that same AC/DC concert t-shirt they got back in their 3rd junior year of high school and have only washed once (just to get that "new smell" out of it) came up with one consistent response: WE WANT MOR HOMERZ!"

"Giambi will start at 1b, a position he played flawlessly for 23 innings last season."

"As for Papi and Thome, only one of them will be able to start. Given that we feel competition is such an important part of motivation, we will be holding a pre-game HomeRun Derby between the two sluggers during batting practice every day. The slugger who hits the most homeruns during his cage time will earn the start for that day and that day only. We think this is an innovative upgrade to the competitions most other teams hold during Spring Training to determine who their starters will be. I mean, by mid-August, don't you suppose the adrenaline rush of beating out whoever 'number 92' was to earn your starting position has sort of worn off? We feel the daily competition will not only increase our intensity at the DH slot, but it should also significantly increase beer sales by getting more of those slack-jawed mouth-breathing luddites..... errr.... I mean 'our adoring fans' into the park an hour earlier to watch BP every day."

Going to MSU in the deal was top catching prospect Ryan Doumit (.281/.351/.468 in 438 career ab's, all as a Cannibal).

Said GM Beard, "While it always hurts to see a good young player go, we do realize that Doumit had been blocked here by 2007 1st rounder Brian McCann (.290/.332/.504 career). We sincerely hope this trade allows Ryan to go on earn the starting position we think his talent deserves."