MLB Declares Strasburg One of 50 Greatest of All Time!

St Albans Messenger, 8 June 2010

On the eve of his first MLB start, Major League Baseball (a semi-pro feeder league for the NASBL) has proactively declared soon-to-be-rookie pitcher Stephen Strasburg one of the 50 greatest pitchers of all time.

We pointedly asked MLB commissioner Bud Selig the pressing question of the day: "Top 50 of all time? Bearing in mind this kid has never pitched in the majors, don't you think top 50 is a little ridiculous?"

Pausing for a moment to reflect, Selig responded: "Top 50? Maybe you're right. Let's see, there's Cy Young, Walter Johnson, and.... errrrm... Yes. You're definitely right. Top 50 is absurd. Strasburg is easily among the top-3 of all time."

Continued Selig, "Despite considerable discussion on the subject, I will have you know that all the all-time MLB career records Stephen Strasburg has established to date will Not have an asterisk beside them."

When asked "What records?!" Selig responded, "Oh, you know - 512 wins, 5,715 strikeouts, 111 shutouts, stuff like that."

When our interviewer pointed out that Strasburg not only didn't own any career MLB records, but had not yet even thrown a Major League pitch, Selig responded "Oh, pish-posh." (Seriously. He said that.) "Now you sound like one of those we-want-an-asterisk naysayers. You know, the guys who wanted the little small-print note at the bottom of Strasburg's baseball-reference page and his recently minted Hall of Fame plaque, stating that 'Right now these massive and awe-inspiring numbers pretty much only exist on this page and in the heads of thousands of fawning sports talk show hosts with massive and borderline disturbing man-crushes on Mr Strasburg. As soon as Stephen gets around to actually stepping over the chalk line and grabbing a rosin bag for like 10 or 20 years, these new all-time records set by Stephen Strasburg remain unofficial.'"

"I mean, c'mon. We're all friends here in the baseball community," spoke Selig in his most reasonable voice, "There's no need to stand on formalities now, is there?"

Next our interviewer found Nationals manager Jim Riggleman, and asked him how he planned on using Strasburg in his MLB debut.

Said Riggleman, "Well, first off we're playing this game under protest."

When asked why, Riggleman responded, "We figure that's the most efficient way to head off any questions about his perfect game. I know, I know, you're thinking 'what perfect game? He hasn't even thrown a pitch yet?' And that's an excellent point, as far as it goes. But it doesn't take into account what we know about this kid. First off, every pitch he throws (or will throw, or "will have thrown / will have been throwing" if you're into the future perfect tense) is perfect. So naturally, if there's a hit or a walk or anything weird like that while he's on the mound, it's pretty much got to be the fault of the official scorer or one of the umps. Most likely Jim Joyce. He's got a history of this sort of thing, you know."

"So anyway, if we just protest all that stuff right up front, that sort of gets all the guesswork out of the way. Strasburg = perfect. Simple as rain. You know, we might even storm the field right after the national anthem, just to emphasize our point to the umpires and the worldwide viewing audience of over 5 billion people, including all 11 Pirates fans and the half-dozen disillusioned folks who were actually Nats fans before Stephen's debut."

When asked if Strasburg would undergo the traditional rookie hazing, Riggleman laughed and said, "Sure, like when we call the rookies 'rook' and 'meat,' and make them dress up in red frilly bloomers like Little Bo Peep and make them try to get an actual sheep through airport security by claiming it's their girlfriend?"

"Ho, ho! You bet! Only with Strasburg, we're going to modify the program a little. Instead of 'meat,' we're going to call him 'Sir.' Boy, that one'll really get him! Then, instead of the whole 'walking through the airport with farm animals and women's clothing' gig, we figure instead we'll roll a red carpet down the whole concourse, and have about a dozen Scandinavian virgins carrying little wicker baskets sprinkle rose petals in front of his feet every step of the way. Plus a couple more of them to cool him by waving fans made with feathers plucked from still-living exotic yet endangered brightly colored tropical birds. If we can find enough Scandinavian virgins, that is. It's been a little tough since Tiger Woods spent that month in Sweden 'reconciling with his wife,' if you get my meaning. Yessirree, hazing it is! No exceptions for any rookies, no matter how awe-inspiring their breaking stuff, that's my policy."

In an attempt to gain some historical perspective, our interviewers finally went and sought out some other formerly hyped uber-prospects, to see what they thought of Strasburg. Their comments are noted below:

"He's got great stuff. Heck, how could he possibly fail?"

-Rick Ankiel

"He's a mature kid. I'm sure he won't let all the hype bother him. Hey, buddy, you want fries with that?"
-David Clyde

"His delivery and mechanics are perfect, and he has a solid pitcher's body. Um, could you please hold that dixie cup of water up to my lips so I can get a sip? My shoulder won't let me lift it on my own."

-Mark Prior

Doc Gooden was trying to construct a meth lab in the basement of the homeless shelter he sacks out at, and could not be reached for comment.