Cannibals Sign Former VFS Batting Tee to Pro-Rated $28m Contract

In a surprise reaction to the Vermont Fighting Sioux's recent blockbuster deal, their in-state rivals the Lake Champlain Cannibals have signed a former VFS batting tee to a record $28 million dollar minor-league contract.

"The Tee," as it has become known, earned its all-capital appelation and its local notoriety by pitching a complete simulated-game no-hitter against the famously light-hitting VFS outfield of Chone Figgins, Mark Kotsay, and Coco Crisp ("The Tee" is shown at left, inducing a Mark Kotsay groundout dribbler).

Said LCC GM Steve Beard, "The Vermont State Championship is a very important title to us. And while we were able to sign away Jose Cruz Jr from our in-state rivals, the local press made much of the fact that VFS GM Justin Rabidoux was able to sign not one, but two of our former players (Chone Figgins and Coco Crisp) to play against us this year. As far as "The Tee" goes, well, let me just say that we've been scouting him pretty much since he was part of a Little Tikes TotSports Teeball Set playing backyard ball in Essex Junction. He's always had excellent control of the strikezone, but never really seemed to show the velocity and movement we thought he'd need to succeed at the NASBL level."

"Well, let me just tell you - all that changed for good last week! Our local scouts were just on a routine spy mission down in Burlington, and we happened to see "The Tee" through the knothole in the fence, getting ready for a simulated game against struggling VFS outfielders Figgins, Crisp, and Kotsay (locally known by their initials as the F*CK outfield, although persistant rumors exist that they earned their nickname not for their initials, but due to the expletive GM Justin Rabidoux shouts every time one of them pops out with the bases loaded). He looked calm and confident out there, just pounding the strikezone with his non-heat. For the first few innings of the simulated game, we didn't think much of it. But as Figgins, Crisp, and Kotsay repeatedly pounded their bats on the ground and shouted out their acronym, we slowly began to pay more and more attention."

"Hey," said our senior scout, "Get the gun on that Tee."

"Can you guess what he was bringing? Well, let's just say the last two digits on that gun reading were zero-zero, if you know what I'm getting at..."

"About the 6th innning you could really tell The Tee had something special going. His teammates started getting the idea about that time, too. The bouncy backyard pitch-back thingy moved way down the bench, and the HitAway(tm) wrapped itself quietly around a pole up by the dugout entrance. Eventually, even the Tom Emanski Instructional Video quit talking to him."

"I guess that goes to show you, even inanimate training aids can get a little bit silly when destiny comes knocking."

"Well, to make a long story short, "The Tee" ended the VFS outfield's batting practice session in short order - 27 up, 27 down. At that point, we were sure we needed to make our move. While some minor legal questions remain, I don't see how our recently signed $28 million dollar minor-league contract with "The Tee" can do anything but improve our team's chances for a successful run at the post-season, and almost as importantly, the Vermont State Championship."