Outlaw Denies Allegations

Outlaw Josey Wales categorically denies the ludicrous and unfounded allegations of cheating alleged by that rag Texas Tattler. While we have no doubt that Omar "The Great" Vizquel could simultaneously play two or three positions, we recognize our responsibility to utilize his great talents in a responsible and fair manner. Let me be clear about this - Omar has never, ever, played more than one position at a time. As far as that bogus partial boxscore, any doofus with a text editor could make that up.

OMARGATE ROCKS OUTLAW!

Dateline Outlaw Pond - Just how good is Omar Vizquel? This reporter, Hack Wilson of the Texas Tattler, believes that Vizquel is good enough to pitch and play shortstop at the same time and trigger a coverup that could rock the foundations of NASBL! Evidence has surfaced implicating the Outlaw Josey Wales of trying to gain an advantage in the tight South by playing their best man at multiple positions at the same time. After hearing hushed rumors of this sleight of hand, I discovered more sources, willing to speak only under deep anonymity, who confirmed the unbelievable. Now for the proof - the below partial boxscore and linescore was recovered from the Recycle Bin of the Outlaw Pond scorekeeper's computer shortly after a recent game against Lehigh. They clearly shows Vizquel brought in to pitch in the 8th inning while remaining in at shortstop. Even more stunning, the "official" league boxscore doesn't show Vizquel pitching at all! How far up does this coverup go! The only league official willing to be quoted, and then only 0ff-the-record, called the allegations "preposterous," and added "obviously we have to control a power as potent as Omar Vizquel and we certainly wouldn't let him play more than one position at a time, or the rest of NASBL wouldn't have a chance." Outlaw officials did not respond to inquiries, but one Wales employee who reluctantly spoke off the record mumbled something about software bug.

The Proof:

BOXSCORE: 2008 Lehigh Valley Iron Pigs At 2008 Outlaw Josey Wales 6/3/2008

  Iron Pigs         AB  R  H RBI   Josey Wales       AB  R  H RBI
  R.Willits CF       3  0  1  0    D.Pedroia 2B       2  1  1  1 
  C.Crawford LF      4  0  1  0    R.Ludwick CF,RF    4  2  2  3
  R.Howard DH        3  0  0  0    A.Gonzalez 1B      3  1  0  0 
  C.Utley 2B         4  0  0  0    O.Vizquel SS       3  2  2  3
  M.Alou RF          4  0  1  0    G.Anderson DH      3  0  0  0 
  S.Green 1B         4  1  2  0    A.Ramirez 3B       3  0  0  0 
  M.Reynolds 3B      2  1  1  2    M.Ramirez LF       3  0  0  0 
  G.Laird C          3  0  0  0  C-W.Taveras CF       0  0  0  0 
  J.Wilson SS        2  0  0  0    M.Napoli C         2  1  0  0 
A-J.Hamilton PH      1  0  0  0    A.Soriano RF,LF    3  0  1  0 
B-E.Aybar SS         0  0  0  0                                        
                    -- -- -- ---                     -- -- -- ---
  Totals            30  2  6  2    Totals            26  7  6  7

A-Pinch Hit For Wilson In 7th Inning
B-Subbed Defensively (SS) For Hamilton In 7th Inning
C-Subbed Defensively (CF) For Ramirez In 8th Inning

Iron Pigs....... 0 0 0  0 0 2  0 0 -  2  6  0
Josey Wales..... 1 0 0  2 4 0  0   -  6  6  0

Iron Pigs (28-19)        IP       H   R  ER  BB  SO  HR
C.Young                   7       6   7   6   2   7   2
Totals                    7       6   7   6   2   7   2

Josey Wales (26-21)      IP       H   R  ER  BB  SO  HR
J.Peavy                   7       6   2   2   3  10   1
O.Vizquel                 1       0   0   0   0   3   0
Totals                    8       6   2   2   3  13   1

ATTENDANCE- 33,005 DATE- Friday, June 3rd 2008 TIME- Day 
LEFT ON BASE- Iron Pigs: 7  Josey Wales: 3
DOUBLE PLAYS- Iron Pigs: 0  Josey Wales: 0
DOUBLES- C.Crawford, S.Green-2
TRIPLES- O.Vizquel
HOME RUNS- M.Reynolds, R.Ludwick-2, O.Vizquel
NOBEL PEACE PRIZE- O.Vizquel
STOLEN BASES- A.Soriano
SACRIFICE HITS- D.Pedroia
WALKS- R.Willits, R.Howard, M.Reynolds, D.Pedroia, M.Napoli
STRIKE OUTS- R.Willits-2, C.Crawford-2, R.Howard-3, M.Alou-2, G.Laird-2,
             D.Pedroia, R.Ludwick-2, A.Soriano, M.Ramirez, M.Napoli-2,
             C.Utley, S.Green

Partial Line Score:

*** BOTTOM OF INNING 7 ***
                             SUBSTITUTE SS- Erick Aybar
0     M.Napoli    5- 6     0 Strike Out                     b-0 
1     O.Vizquel   3- 6     0 Ground Out                     b-0 
2     D.Pedroia   6- 6     0 Walk                           b-1 
2 1   R.Ludwick   1- 6     0 Strike Out                     b-0 
*** TOP OF INNING 8 ***
                             SUBSTITUTE RF- Ryan Ludwick
                             SUBSTITUTE LF- Alfonso Soriano
                             SUBSTITUTE CF- Willy Taveras
                             SUBSTITUTE P - Omar Vizquel
0     C.Utley     5-10     0 Strike Out                     b-0 
0     M.Alou      6- 7  2  0 Strike Out                     b-0 
0     S.Green     3- 5     0 Strike Out                     b-0 

Grundy County Makes Trade News

Roadkill tell Escobar to "Take Another For The Team"

Opening Day starter Kelvim Escobar was told to "leave his pride at the door" by Mgr Bobby Cox as he was informed late today that he would be moved to the #3 spot in the rotation following the Roadkill's acquisition of Fausto Carmona from Troy. The price was steep as Georgia moved Jesse Litch, #2 & #8 draft picks. Kelvim has now from ace to mid-rotation status after the 'Kill acquired John Lackey (via VFS) & the Carmona deal.

It's obvious the Roadkill front office have little confidence in the scouting dept as they continue to deal high picks for a run at the tight TGS division & a hopeful return to the NASBL playoffs. "I was assured it was ok to pass on Tim Lincecum when it was obvious that the 'Heap were going to cut a deal with Grundy. All I heard was the "upside" of YoGo." Gallardo is having a solid rookie season with staff mate Dustin McGowan. The Roadkill faithful only hope the moves have the same impact as the 2006 season & another title.

Sioux / Cannibal Trade Falls Through on Tacky Fashion Issue

The St Albans Onion, 17 July 2008

In the wee hours of Wednesday morning, Lake Champlain Cannibals owner / GM Steve Beard (61-40, 3rd best record in the league and next to last in his division), pondering his 2nd straight season of outstanding team performance with no post-season prospects to show for it, was struck with a Newtonian apple.

Immediately he got on the metaphorical horn to in-state GM Justin Rabidoux of the Vermont Fighting Sioux, and in mere minutes the Trade of the Century was sealed:

To VFS:
All of LCC's 2009 Rookie / FA draft picks, plus placement in the TG East

To LCC:
Placement in the LF Central

Said GM Beard, "Actually, it's not that totally original as far as ideas go. I was inspired by the old 'Ricky Williams for the Saints entire draft' trade that Iron Mike Ditka famously once made."

"But the twist in this deal is that there weren't any actual players involved, just placement in a certain division. See, the Cannibals keep getting stuck behind HHA and SPR in our division. Kind of like when you're at the movie theater, just settling in to watch the new Batman flick, and George freaking Muresan sits down right in front of you."

"So at that point, you have two choices. You can try to fight George Muresan, or you can tell the little kid next to you that you'll swap him your whole almost-untouched garbage bucket full of popcorn with real butter flavoring, Plus your 3/4 full Vat-o-Dr Pepper with game-chewed straw for his seat."

"Then if he does it, BANG! You've got smoooooooth sailing, and while the kid doesn't get to see Batman at all until it comes out on DVD, he does at least end up coked to the gills on caffeine and sugar, and has a blast hucking popcorn around at everybody for a couple of hours."

"It's a win-win."


However, just when this idyllic dream-trade seemed to be a done deal, things took an unexpected and mildly disturbing turn when members of the Sioux PR team demanded a Ricky and Iron Mike-like photoshoot for the cover of ESPN the Magazine (you know, the one with Ricky in a wedding dress and Ditka in a tux?)

When GM Beard gave the wrong answer to a fashion question posed by Rabidoux (the always-tricky "does this dress make my @ss look fat?" non-request for information), a spirited exchange of Yo Momma jokes broke out.

When it became clear that Rabidoux's 7th and 8th inning Yo Momma's ("Yo Momma's so fat, when she fell down and broke her leg gravy ran out," and "Yo Momma's so fat, when she hauls @ss she needs to take 6 trips") were clearly about ready to hand the lead to the feared Yo Momma closer, Beard capitulated.

But the damage was done, and the deal was off.



This has been a special report by the St Albans Onion.

VFS grants Jeter's wish proving it's good to be a Pig

Burlington, VT

The Vermont Fighting Sioux have moved another franchise icon as Vermont continues to ship off proven assets for draft picks. SS Derek Jeter will be packing his bags and heading to the Leigh Valley Iron Pigs. Vermont received SS Jack Wilson and a 2nd round pick in return; also heading to LVI is VFS' 7th round pick.

In his 4+ seasons in Vermont, Jeter established himself as an anchor at top of the order and in the middle of the field. Jeter is all over Vermont's all-time offensive leader board, ranking #2 in ABs, #3 in RBIs and 8th in HRs.

Jeter joins Jorge Posada, John Lackey and Billy Wagner as Sioux stars moved in 2008. In return VFS now has 2-1st round picks, 4-2nd round picks and 2-3rd round picks in the 2008 rookie/FA draft.

Chows add Outfield Depth for Play-off Push

Buyers or Sellers? GM Brad Sherlag has been tossing that question out for the last month. At the moment the Chows are 4.5 games out of the Wild Card and have a couple of teams they need to pass. "I assessed things and didn't think I could start mortgaging the future for this year. The way I saw it ws that I had one highly valuable commodity that we could afford to deal. When little interest was expressed for Pena, and it started to seem I could not get fair value for one of the best hitters in NASBL we asked -- how can we improve without mortgaging too much."

The Chows planned on making a minor deal for a defensive CF -- and figured to give up a 5th rounder or so. Then they had an opportunity to get a player they always liked. "David DeJesus plays a solid outfield, and does a nice job getting on base against Righties. We have always been deficient in LH hitters and this adds one for us that we see as a part of the team this year and beyond. We hate giving up our 2nd pick, but our draft analysis on the '09 draft has impact players only going until 1 or 2 picks into round 2. It is likely we traded a top relief pitcher for DeJesus and that is a trade that is worth it for us. Part of why we couldn't get something done for Pena was we insisted on a 1st and no one saw his value that high."

"Carlos Beltran is getting tired from playing everyday and it wasn't fair to ask Teahen to play CF - he just wasn't comfortable there. Teahen has been a Chow from the first draft and will be missed. He has been willing to do everything we asked and has played 3B, 1B, RF, LF and CF for us during his tenure. I think he will find a nice role for himslef on Honolulu."

The trade is the Chows #2 and Mark Teahen for David DeJesus.