Kershaw Struggles to Overcome Cannibalism

Lake Champlain southpaw Clayton Kershaw is dedicating his 2012 season to overcoming one of the most subtle forms of discrimination in the NABSL today.

Not racism, not agism, not sexism. No. In 2012, Kershaw hopes to overcome Cannibal-ism.

But what does Cannibal-ism mean? Have LCC pitchers been getting cranked on bath salts and painting barbecue sauce on homeless peoples’ faces? Well, no. Not as far as we know, anyway.

According to the Urban Dictionary, Cannibal-ism is the preconception, usually correct, that Lake Champlain Cannibal pitchers totally suck at pitching.

Normally this perception is not a problem, as research shows over 99% of LCC pitchers who have ever taken the mound have indeed sucked. In fact, independent studies show that putting an LCC pitcher near a rubber and a rosin bag is statistically almost as likely to cause sucking as putting Paris Hilton in front of a home movie camera. (Almost.)

However, there have been multiple examples of Cannibal pitchers who have spent an entire season sucking less than Hillary after Monica hit the news.

Multiple in the sense that “2” is multiple, anyway.

The following is the complete and unabridged list of cases of the greatest LCC pitching performances that ever went unrewarded in post-season awards voting (if you ask the Lake Champlain media, these are Clear Cases of Cannibalism):

1. Brendan Donnelly, 2004 (19-6, 3.18, 17 saves). Donnelly led the Tastes Great in wins, and was 7^th in the TG in saves. But he was shut out of both the Cy Young and the Fireman of the Year voting. Donnelly had more wins and a better ERA than eventual Cy Young winner Jason Schmidt of the Georgia Roadkill (16-8. 3.42). And while Fireman of the Year Eric Gagne of the Yorktown Schooners (1-7, 2.72, 37 saves) did have over twice the saves, Donnelly’s edge in the W/L categories (18 more wins, 1 less loss) might have at least brought his name into the conversation. While some feel the Donnelly awards shutout was because he was little more than a marrow-sucking vulture, tallying cheap mid-inning wins on the basis of an awful LCC starting rotation (the team had 77 starts by SPs with season ERAs greater than 5.80) and an extremely powerful LCC lineup (1129 runs scored, 1^st in the league,) Lake Champlain conspiracy theorists have long held with another explanation: Cannibal-ism.

2. Jonathan Sanchez, 2011 (23-5, 3.13). Sanchez led the Tastes Great in wins, struck out 225 hitters (10^th in the TG), and tallied 3 shutouts (4^th in the TG.) But the Cy Young hardware went to Lehigh Valley rookie Clay Buchholz (16-6, 1.77.) While Iron Pig apologists might argue Buchholz deserved to bring home the bacon (due to minor technicalities such as setting a single-season NASBL record for ERA - 1.77, only the 2^nd time in NASBL history a pitcher has finished below 2.00), LCC homers ….errrr…. dispassionate analysts feel the LVI near-sweep of the 2011 awards (ROY and FOY to Buchholz, MVP to Albert Pujols) constitutes a form of imperialism that can only be fought through expressions of democracy such as voting for Sanchez for Cy (even though Sanchez was clearly only the 2^nd best pitcher in the Tastes Great last year.)

So how best to halt the perfidious spread of Cannibal-ism?

Given that quasi-peaceful forms of protest such as last summer’s week-long Occupy Lehigh Movement (where LCC GM Stephen Beard occupied LVI’s kitchen and guest room for nearly a week) have failed to prevent actions such as the fair election of Buchholz, LCC’s Kershaw has opted for an old-school approach popularized by Ebby Calvin “Nuke” LaLoosh back in the 80’s:

Crash: “Relax, all right? Don't try to strike everybody out. Strikeouts are boring! Besides that, they're fascist. Throw some ground balls - it's more democratic.” “Oh, hey, and another thing, Meat. You don't know shit, all right? If you wanna make it to the bigs, you'll listen to me. Annie only wants you so she can boss you around, got it? So relax! Let's have some fun out here! This game's fun, OK? Fun goddamnit. And don't hold the ball so hard, OK? It's an egg. Hold it like an egg.”

Outlaw Gets More Power!

Outlaw management has been working the phones since the latter part of Block I in an attempt to improve the team's chances of winning NASBL's short playoff series, and hopefully, World Series.  We found that it's hard to improve on a really good team when you don't have any good expendable prospects and your trading partners think that your draft position will be low.


Management had no trouble zeroing in on our two biggest playoff needs:
1)  A dominant starting pitching card, and
2)  A dominant left-handed bat


Number one proved elusive, as usual in NASBL, seeing that dominant starting pitching cards are usually associated with dominant starting pitchers whose price is higher than a late first-round draft pick.


Need number two isn't much easier to fill given the lack of dominant left-handed bats this year, and the fact that many of them are young and promising, and most of them already reside in the hands of contenders.


Outlaw management was really miffed that their hand-picked Kemp-Napoli-Gonzalez-Pedroia-Ortiz-Beltre-Cruz offensive juggernaut was out-homered and out-scored by Slatington in block I.  Then the Bulldogs had the nerve to add insult to injury by trading for Jose Bautista!


So when Seattle decided to go for a youth movement we jumped right on the chance to negotiate for the one player we had considered the best fit for the Wales playoff run all along:

Outlaw is honored to welcome Lance Berkman, professional hitter extroidanaire, to the Outlaw family.  We gave up a first round draft pick for an aging hitter with health issues, but the Big Puma adds a dominant bat to team up with Adrian Gonzalez and Big Papi Ortiz against any right-handed pitcher that can be thrown at us.


The trade also strengthens Outlaw's right-handed setup role as Steve Cishek's outstanding card was also packaged for underrated Rafael Betancourt, who is on track to provide Seattle one of the more dominant 2013 closer cards.


Outlaw is confident that this is the right trade at the right time for both Seattle and the Wales.


Bring on the playoffs!

Moscoso Just Misses No-Hitter vs. Crows - takes it 8 2/3

Here is the game write-up from the box score: 

Moscoso didn't allow a hit until the 9th inning as the Illinois Chow Chows topped the Shawnee Crows by a score of 3 to 0 at Seventies Stadium. Moscoso(1-2) was virtually untouchable. He didn't allow much, just 1 hit and 3 walks in 9 innings lowering his ERA from 6.87 to 4.61. The right-handed Moscoso lost his no-hit bid when Nyjer Morgan doubled with two outs in the 9th inning. Illinois managed 7 hits in their victory. The loss was charged to R.A. Dickey(4-3). He allowed 2 runs and 6 hits in 6 and 2/3 innings. 'He was moving it around and spotting it very well.' Mike Johnson said. Moscoso pitched a great game. He deserves all the credit.'