Dateline Bethlehem, PA.
IronPig management is pleased to announce the addition of our latest Hog, Jose Reyes. Reyes brings speed, strong defense and World Series experience to our team. The addition of Reyes gives Lehigh Valley a strong core of young players up the middle. Reyes (25), Utley (30), Martin (25) and Hamilton (27) should form the backbone of IronPig teams for the foreseeable future.
At present, the rest of the infield defense is solid with offseason acquisition, Todd Helton manning 1b and Mark Derosa platooning with Hammerin Hank Blalock and Mark Reynolds at 3b.
Left field is strong defensively with Carl Crawford roaming the outfield. It is unknown who will play LF at this time. Similar to last season, when we decided to finally draft a catcher in the 15th round of the draft, IronPig management may take the same approach with the RF position.
Carlos Quentin (26) will man the DH spot and bring his powerful bat to the lineup. We are somewhat concerned about Carlos' temper. He expresses his frustrations very quickly and we are concerned that he may hurt someone during a tirade. We have hired famed anger management consultant Dr. Buddy Rydell to help him.
While the pitching staff was a strength of the team last season, we are concenred about the focus of our starting pitchers in the upcoming season. IronPig management was pleased with the efforts of the pitching staff last season when they led the league in team ERA. We have no such delusions of grandeur for the upcoming season. Our ERA leader, #2 wins leader, #2 strikeouts leader, #1 winning percentage leader, nominee for rookie of year and foundation of the pitching staff, Diasuke Matsuzaka was dealt for Jose Reyes. The rest of the staff looks pretty ragged going into the coming season.
Manager Burns said that "the starting [expletive] pitching staff [expletive] looks [expletive] [expletive] and [expletive] [expletive] too. They couldn't [expletive] [expletive], [expletive] if their [expletive], [expletive] lives [expletive] depended on it".
Ticket prices will be raised for the coming season, mostly to pay for the services of Dr. Rydell. Stay tuned for further updates.
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